


A Quiet Bullpen

by Winter Waters (mystmae)



Category: NCIS
Genre: M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 13:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5128577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystmae/pseuds/Winter%20Waters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McGee made a promise to himself when they got Ziva back. It's time to fulfill that promise. He just wasn't expecting to be like this, and truth be told, he's just tired of it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Quiet Bullpen

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first slash fic. Let me know what ya'll think ok. It's a test for a bigger project that I'm working on. Also, any all mistakes are mine because this thing isn't beta'd. so Eh?

It was a long time coming. Really, it was. He was always the lucky one; the one that never got hurt. Gibbs, Ziva, and Tony always seemed to catch all the shit and injuries. He’s not complaining. Not really, because he wouldn’t want his family to be hurt, and any day of the week he would take a bullet for them. They always just seem to end up taking a bullet for him though, or getting the plague, or kidnapped and tortured. Hell, his family has been through some shit, and yet, he is the one always managing to only come out of it with a few bruises. He doesn’t bring this to the attention of his partners though. With Ziva finally back from Somalia, McGee was determined that if anyone else on this team was going to get hurt, it was going to be him dammit. Not because he wanted the attention, or the glory. Hell, he’d rather the attention never be turned on him; he always liked to watch and observe more than to participate. It was the nerd in him, to see how things worked. It was two months after Ziva came back that he made full on the promise to himself; he just wasn’t expecting it to hurt so damn much. But as he leaned against the wall and watched the blood seep through his dress shirt, he knew that if it came down to him or someone else on the team, it had to be him. Ziva was still healing and Tim didn’t want to find out how much more it would take to make her break. He’d rather it be him. They suffered enough and it was Tim’s turn to take the pain.

With that last thought and smile, he slipped into the cool darkness where the pain seemed to melt away.

-

-

-

“What the hell are you doing here McGee?” Came the sharp voice of someone who he had been missing for years now.

He opened his eyes to discover that he was in the bull pen of NCIS. Oddly enough, it was quiet, there wasn’t a soul around except him and…holy shit was that Kate? “Kate?” McGee mumbled as he stared at her sitting in Ziv-in her desk.

Kate rolled her eyes, “McGee, come on, I know you’re not that young green agent anymore. Don’t look so shock.”

“What are you doing here? Where is here? Why am I here?” McGee rattled off standing up and moving to pace in front of his desk. His eyes always coming back to land on Kate, it was great to see her again. There was just too much data and not enough time for his logic minded brain to work out the answers to his questions. He stopped when he felt her hands on his shoulders, holding him in place. _How the hell was that even possible?_ He wondered as he lifted his eyes to hers.

“McGee, you have to calm down. Look, we’ll answer your questions when you answer mine. What the _hell_ are you doing here?” Kate asked again staring into his light green eyes. McGee thought about the answer, he knew it was important, it…what was he doing here? Weren’t they supposed to be on a case? He, Gibbs, Tony, and Kate, wait no, Ziva. Ziva was on the team now and they were supposed to be picking up their suspects. He saw images as he clenched his eyes tight trying to make sense…of…well, trying to make sense of crazy town.

He opened his eyes and looked back at Kate. “Am I dead?” He asked softly. He saw her sigh, and somehow there he was standing in the middle of the bull pen holding hands with Kate Todd.

“Not yet McGee. You’re not dead yet.” She said smiling softly, “but if you don’t find out what you are doing here soon, you might be coming with me.” He shrugged. Maybe that wasn’t so bad. He liked Kate. Not like that, they were friends, one of his first mentors who were taken too soon from life.

He looked at her, really looked at this time, thinking back to the day that she died. “It should have been me.” He said before he could stop himself. She looked at him sharply, so he continued before she could say anything. “No, really, it should have been me. He took the first shot at me. But at the last second, I moved. It should have been me. He was going to kill me, but I moved. It should have been me Kate. I should be the one here not you. I…”

Kate stopped him by covering his mouth with her hand. “Come on Tim, you know better than that. If that was the case, Ari would have killed you, then me, and probably Tony, just to hurt Gibbs. And seriously, I do not want to spend my entire after life with Tony. I’m getting myself a mini vacation until it’s time for ya’ll to join me. But for now, it’s just me, Pacci, and Shepherd. And we are ok with that. Speaking of which-”

“Ow!” McGee exclaimed as he felt Kate’s fist connect with his shoulder. “What was that for?”

“That’s for never telling me about Gibbs and Shepherd when you came to see me. I mean seriously, if you are going to be sitting at my tombstone telling me all kinds of secrets, you would think that Gibbs breaking his own Rule 12 would be one of them.” Kate laughed.

McGee smiled, “We’re pretty sure that is why Rule 12 was made.” He got quiet again as he sat down at his desk and Kate going back to hers. He watched her for a while, clicking on the keyboard and muttering at her screen like she used to when she was alive. He wondered if there were afterlife crime cases to solve and if he was stopping her from doing her job. He shook his head and decided that he has gone bonkers. He was probably sitting in a padded cell with a straight jacket and drool on his face. Though, he always pictured Tony as the one to reenact _One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest._ Then her words finally sunk in and he sat up straight in his chair and shot her a terrified look.

“What a minute? You were there, when I was spilling my guts and telling you things?” He squeaked. It was a manly squeak dammit.

Kate smiled like the cat that ate the canary; there was nothing nice about it at all. “Of course McGee, you took the time to come visit me, why wouldn’t I take the time to hang out with you?”

McGee swallowed nervously. “I...Uh…I always pictured that you had better things to do then to just sit around all day waiting for someone to show up.”

“Oh I do McGee, but you’re the only one on the team to visit besides my family. So,” she shrugged, “it’s nice.” She smiled and he relaxed slightly. “So, I totally called it with Abby when you two broke up. If you decide to go back, you need to tell her that I won that bet.”

McGee tensed again, “What bet? What did you call?” Kate shot him a knowing look and he grimaced. “The point of visiting your dead friend’s grave is the fact that whatever secret you tell them it stays secret. You know, because them being dead and all.” He grumbled.

Kate laughed loud and bright, just like she used to when Tony used to pull his pranks. God he missed that laugh. “Oh, McGee, you really have grown up. You definitely are not the Probie I remember.”  
            McGee smiled and shrugged his shoulder, “I always felt that I was intruding on your guys partnership, when you di...left, well, it helped to have that banter.”

Kate sighed, “McGee, you can say it you know? I’m okay, well, now I am. I’m dead. And that is okay McGee because it was my time.” She smiled sweetly at him and watched him relax completely. He closed his eyes and relaxed. It wasn’t like he had anything pressing to do, did he? Might as well wait and see if he decided which bull pen he wanted to work in. He was so in his thoughts that he almost missed Kate’s next few words.

“You know, I look in on you guys from time to time. Sometimes when everyone is at the bull pen, or sometimes when everyone finds a corner to breathe in for a moment.” She looked up to find his innocent green eyes staring at her. “It helps, you know, to remember. And yeah,” she shrugs again with an evil smirk, “I’m looking for blackmail material for when DiNozzo decides to visits.”

McGee laughed, “Oh yeah? Whatcha got? If I wake up, maybe I’ll remember and give him a hard time for you. Make him wonder how I got my information.” Kate smiled.

“Well, when you put it like that, you got yourself a deal. I know for a fact that he has a crush on a certain someone. Well, crush is to light a word, more like he loves a certain somebody.” McGee’s face carefully went blank, showing none of his emotions on his normally expressive face. Kate sighed, _yeah, he has definitely learned, poor kid._ “Come here McGee. I’m gonna show you what I’ve been working on. Maybe it will help you decide what you want to do.”

“What do you mean what I want to do?” McGee asked rolling over towards Kate.

“To answer why you’re here instead of fighting to be where you belong.” Kate said making room for him. McGee said nothing turning into himself. She smiled sadly and wondered where the innocent McGee went. Shaking her head she turned back to her computer and pulled up the video of her friends and smiled sadly. “Maybe now you’ll understand some things.” She left him and made her way to MTAC to wait for her friends answer.

-

-

-

            “Ah, McProbster, what have you done to yourself?” Tony asked, rubbing his hand across his face. He stared at the other man lying in the hospitable bed. His chest wrapped with bandages. Tony knew that if he were to look under the bandages he would see that his partner and friend’s chest was riddled with bullet holes. He leaned forward letting his elbows rest on his knees. He clenched his hands under his chin to resist the urge to run his hands over Tim’s body to reassure him that Tim was still there. That he was still breathing. The only problem was that the McGenuis refused to wake up.

            “Come on Tim, you need to wake up. It’s just not the same without you. You know, Abs has not slept once. She keeps going non-stop. The woman hasn’t put the caf-pow down since Gibbs called her and told her about you. She keeps re-running every test to help nail the bastards that shot you. And trust me McGee, she’s isn’t stopping until there is no doubt of a conviction rate. I don’t know whose worse, Gibbs or Abby, they both wanted to shoot the bastards between the eyes. And let’s face it; Ziva already had that paper clip in her hand ready to dismember them for you.” Tony said, giving in and grabbing McGee’s hand. “But you wouldn’t have wanted that Probie; you would have wanted them to face justice for killing Petty Officer Kalin. You would have wanted her family to have closure. I think that’s the only reason why Gibbs didn’t put a bullet between his eyes. And me, I would have…” He trailed off not entirely sure if he wanted admit exactly what he would have done if he wasn’t already busy trying to plug the holes in McGee’s chest.

“By the way, Ziva is severely ticked at you for doing what you did. I mean, we just got her back and she is just starting to relax and then you go and get yourself turned into a damn leaky faucet. What the hell you thinking McGoo? And the fact that Ducky and Palmer are double checking every order that the doctor gives, come on man, you’re driving everyone insane. You’re not supposed to be the one that gets hurt. You’re the one that brings everyone back together. You’re the glue Tim and I don’t know…” Tony paused, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of McGee’s hand.

If he was being truthful with himself, he knew he looked like shit. He hasn’t slept more than three hours in the past four days and was seriously thinking about going to steal an adrenaline shot to keep his self-awake. He had stopped breathing when he saw the bullets fly into his friend’s chest. He felt his heart break and knew that everything that he had tried to ignore would come out, but he couldn’t stop himself. He ran to McGee yelling his name. He gathered him in his arms trying to stop the bleeding and babbled things he couldn’t even remember. He remembered pulling his phone out and calling for an ambulance and hugging McGee to him.

“Tony…” Came a soft voice from the doorway. He looked up to the heart broken eyes of Abby and winced.

“Hey Abs, how ya doing?” Tony asked trying to gather some sort of emotion to his tone but couldn’t get passed exhaustion.

“Gibbs sent me to sit with Timmy, I’m…I can come back.” She said turning to go.

“Wait, no Abs, come on. You’re his best friend. He needs all the love that he can get with him right now.” Tony said grabbing McGee’s hand ignoring the look that Abby sent him as she made her way to McGee’s other side. She grabbed his other him and just stared at him, like she was trying to use the Force to make him wake up.

She leaned down and kissed McGee’s hand and turned to look at Tony. He could see the emotions fly across her face as she debated on whether or not she wanted to say something. He ignored her, hoping that she would just leave whatever she wanted to say unsaid because he didn’t know if he had the strength to hold the truth in any longer. She turned back to McGee and smiled and nodded to herself.

“You know Tony, I was always suspicious, but I never could find the evidence to back it up. And don’t get me wrong, I tried. I even hacked into both of your computers looking for anything incriminating.” Abby said, smiling at the man across Tim’s body.

Tony sighed, “What are you talking about Abs?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you love McGee. Like love him, love him.” She met Tony’s eyes calmly and smiled at him encouraging. He looked torn between admitting to it and denying it. He has been hiding this damn secret ever since Kate died, but dammit he was tired of hiding. “It’s ok you know,” Abby continued, “to love him like that. He needs someone love him like that. He likes to be needed and likes to take care of people, he’s McGee.”

“What about you two?” Tony asked quietly, not entirely sure he really wanted to know the answer to that.

Abby shrugged, “He’s my best friend. I didn’t need him the way he wanted me to need him, but we found out later that we’re better off like this. As best friends.”

“What…how do…what about Tim?” Tony asked, refusing to look at Abby now and stared at Tim. His hand gripping the other man’s so tightly that there would probably be a bruise on his knuckles later.

“I can’t tell you that Tony, but I know Tim. You need to talk to him.” Abby said with a smile on her face. “He might be more receptive then you think.”

“Yeah, right. There is no way in hell that T…Probie could ever return…and besides, it would be breaking Gibbs Rule 12, which you just don’t do.” Tony said, trying to relax his muscles again and decided that it was time for a subject change. “You nail those guys to the wall?”

Abby glowered, “of course I did. They’re never going to see the light of day again. I wish we could stuff them in deep dark well and close it off and just leave them there.” Tony laughed, though it didn’t hold any of its usual charm.

They sat there together, each holding one of McGee’s hands and willing their friend to wake up. As they waited, more and more people filled the room. Sarah showed up and claimed Tony’s spot and hand holding and talked to her brother about her blog and some ideas for a new book she wanted to start on. And since he was already a best-selling author if he wouldn’t mind co-writing with her like they always wanted to. Gibbs came in with coffee for everyone and grabbed a chair that the nurses brought in when they saw that no one was going to leave no matter what they said. He sat quietly while everyone talked staring at his young agent.

He couldn’t get the amount of blood and ashen face out of his mind. After cuffing the two bastards and throwing them in the car with one or two broken bones, he ran back into the warehouse to see McGee fighting to breathe and Tony crying and begging him to hold on. He had to look away and push down his gut and try help staunch the bleeding. He remembered Tony begging him to head-slap McGee and ordering him not to die because no one wanted disappoint Gibbs. He could see the heartbreak in his senior agent’s eyes and it reminded him of Shannon and Kelly and couldn’t deny Tony the tiniest bit of hope. He knew McGee would wake up and dammit, if he had he would lock both him and DiNozzo in the damn elevator until they came to their senses. Screw Rule 12 if it meant that DiNozzo would quit looking like he was dying along with McGee…and dammit! McGee wasn’t dying. Gibbs got up and walked over to the comatose man head slapped him again for good measure and told him that he better hurry up and finish his nap there were bad guys to chase. He heard Ducky’s chuckle and saw Abby, Sarah, and Tony’s look of gratitude and walked back to his chair.

Ducky couldn’t stand the quiet and the waiting. It wasn’t what he was good at. He talked and told stories as a way to help him cope with tragic things, but in this instance, his words failed him. He didn’t know if he could do another Autopsy on a friend, one that he held dear to his heart. He was brought out of reverie when Mr. Palmer asked him for a tale about McGee, something to stave off the quiet sound of death. Ducky looked at Jimmy and smiled and began regaling the team about the time Tim had caught a bad case of Poison Ivy. The poor boy was miserable but he was determined to do his job.

Ziva was the one that stayed quiet. Standing in the corner of the room and looking at McGee like he might disappear into thin air; her thoughts always the same, running on an internal loop. He had gotten back from Somalia with only some bruises, he had helped to save her, to take her out of the nightmare those three months had become she never would have thought that innocent and never-ending McGee, her first friend at NCIS even though he had been hurting and grieving about losing Agent Todd, would help to bring her back. She waited for the other rug to drop. She waited for everyone to turn and blame her for being the reason why McGee was here, in this bed. Hell, she blamed herself for it. She jumped when she felt a hand grip her shoulder and she turned to look into the eyes of her own best friend.

“It’s not your fault, you know.” Tony said softly leaning on the wall beside her. Ziva remained quiet and just stared at McGee with her dark eyes. Tony could tell that she didn’t believe him. “Seriously, McAttention was just getting jealous that you were getting all the attention. While you were gone he became the definition of a Prima Donna.”

Ziva whipped around to snap at Tony that now was not the time to tease McGee but stopped when she saw his eyes were dead and didn’t hold any of their usual warmth. She noticed how tense he was and how his eyes kept flicking back to McGee’s prone form, almost caressing him. She too turned back to her friend.

“Are you sure you didn’t become the Prima Donna, Tony?” She asked, falling back into the teasing banter and bumping her shoulder into his and left it there.

“Well, no Zee-Va, I’m much too manly and we all know that McFeminine there likes to moisturize.” Tony protested throwing an arm around Ziva and pulling her close. He ignored the fact that she was had to force herself to relax in his embrace. “But enough about me,” He continued, “As I was saying. It wasn’t your fault. The Probster wanted to be a McHero. You should let the man enjoy his spotlight.”

They heard a snort and turned and looked at Sarah. Tony raised an eye brow in question. She shook her head, “I could never see what Tim...”

“Excuse me.” Came the baritone voice of a Doctor making his way, interrupting whatever Sarah was going to say. “I see Agent McGee is well accompanied.”

“Well, McGee is a special kind of Agent in the Diva kind of way. Probie is taking all my thunder.” Tony said. “How ya been Brad and whata are ya doing here? I’m sure Jolie is missing you something terrible.”

Dr. Brad Pitt laughed and shrugged, “Yeah, well, the kids ran me out of the mansion. Besides, I heard that my favorite NCIS team was here and I had to drop by to say hi.”

“I see what you’re doing Brad, you trying to replace me aren’t ya? I go and make you all famous surviving the Plague and you come in here trying to find my replacement model.” Tony grumbled, trying to lighten the mood.

“You pick a good choice Doctor, McGee is definitely a leg up.” Ziva said stepping out of Tony’s embrace.

“Its step up Zee,” Tony replied absent mindedly looking at Tim again. Good, he was still there and still breathing. He looked up to find Sarah looking back at him with a smirk of her own and he began to wonder exactly what she would have said before the doctor interrupted her.

-

-

-

McGee sat back as the video on the computer continued to play. Did Tony really love him? He tried to think back to all the times that him and Tony were alone, looking for any clue as to how the older man felt. But like, always, he came up empty. There was no way that Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo would ever feel that way about him. None, and besides; what the hell was Kate thinking? McGee looked back at the screen that somehow froze on Tony’s face. His chiseled face and bright eyes seemed more haggard and less warm. He looked like a man who was slowly dying along with his loved one. He had seen that look before, with his mother and father. His mom dying of cancer and his father refusing to live without her, Tim shook his head. There was too much data just too much to think about and try to figure it out. He was too tired to try and fix everyone’s problems when he sat here in limbo.

Well, that was a guess, but it was better than anything else he could think of. The NCIS bull pen was one of his favorite places to be. He looked around and pictured all the moments they have had in this room. Gibbs leaving and coming back, Tony supposedly dying in a car bomb, meeting Ziva for the first and seeing her back to where she belong. How Abby would trounce up here and declare a team drink was in order and no Gibbs, didn’t have a choice with Ducky and Palmer trailing behind somewhere. He looked up and pictured Vance standing at the top of the stairs and looking over his agents. This was home, and this was his family. He frowned again when he remembered that Ziva was blaming herself for what happened. Tim wanted to tell her don’t worry about it, that she had been through enough. She was his other sister and would she just let him be the brother that he knew he could be. The same brother that he was like with Sarah, and he didn’t think that Sarah would mind having another sibling, especially if it was one that could kick his ass when he ticked her off; His eyes fell onto the MTAC doors and remembered that is where Kate said she would be. Looking one more time at the frozen screen of his family, he got up and made his way to MTAC. He bent long enough for the retinal scan to allow him entry and walked into a deserted room.

Well, what he thought was deserted but he saw he was mistaken when three heads turn his way. He easily identified Kate because he knew that she was in here. He saw the red head, and when he had the courage to look at her face, Tim smiled at Jenny Shepherd.

“I know that you didn’t know me, but can I at least get a hello?” Came a light male voice that was filled with amusement. Tim looked and found himself staring at the shorter man with short brown hair. He was smiling and looked nothing like the photos that Tim saw in Abby’s lab.

“Trust me that is a good thing. Do you know how long it took me to figure out how to keep my guts inside my stomach? It wasn’t pretty the first couple of days.” Pacci laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

“What are all of ya’ll doing here?” McGee finally asked, not entirely sure what the hell was going on anymore.

“Well, McGee, we were waiting on you.” Jenny smiled.

“Waiting on me for what Director?”

Jenny laughed, “I’m not the Director any more Tim. No need to call me that. I’m retired and that is the way I like to keep it. I only come out here for special occasions.”

“Special occasions?” Tim asked.

Jenny shrugged, “When someone I know who isn’t ready to leave the physical world ends up here, I always come and tried to knock some sense into them. Sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn’t.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t work? I’m not even entirely sure what the hell is going on anymore. For all I know, I’m locked up in crazy town imagining you three.” McGee groaned as the headache in his head grew worse.

“Come on now McGee, use those brain cells of yours.” Jenny chided with affection as Kate shook her head. “Your needed down there. There is a reason why you never get hurt you know. And it is not because you’re weak, or afraid, it’s because you’re the one that keeps the team grounded. You’re the one that brings them back when their demons try and over run them.”

McGee looked up with an eyebrow raised. “So, what was I supposed to do? Let Ziva get shot?”

Kate reached over and head slapped him, “Of course not. You did good McGee; the only problem is that you stopped fighting.”

“I stopped fighting? How did I stop fighting? I got shot; I’m still alive from what you showed me in the video.” Tim argued.

“Told you he wouldn’t see it.” Pacci said nudging Kate with his leg.

“Wouldn’t see what?” Tim asked, his confusion growing.

“Oh cool it Pacci before I make you spill your guts again.” Kate grumbled.

“Hey, you promised, and besides it will get blood on your shoes.” Pacci glared, crossing his arms across his chest.  
            “Both of you stop fighting before I boot you both out of here and call in Paula to help.” Jenny snapped. She looked at McGee, “You wouldn’t believe it, but they fight as much as Kate and Tony used to.”

“How do you know they used to fight? You weren’t there yet.” McGee asked shaking his head at his friend when she stuck her tongue out at Pacci behind Jenny’s back.

“Kate let me watch some of the videos when I got here. It helped to ease my way in and accept it all.” Jenny shrugged. Before McGee could reply he doubled over and groaned as the pain in his head reached a new level pain.

“What the hell was that? Should I be experiencing this much pain in whatever land I seemed to find myself in?” McGee groaned as he messaged his temples.  He looked up in time to see the three of them exchange a look. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“You’re running out of time Agent McGee.” Jenny said staring at the man with eyes that reminded him of Gibbs.

“Running out of time?” He echoed.

“McGee, when you slipped into the coma you stopped fighting to wake back up. That’s how we came to be here. To help you figure out what the hell you are doing.” Pacci explained leaning towards the man. “The fact that your getting migraines means that you’re running out of time, your body is hanging on, but you, your letting go. It’s like a tug a war between your body and soul.”

McGee shook his head and got up. He paced back and forth trying to work it out in his mind. “I…I…I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I…This isn’t what was supposed to happen.”

“What was supposed to happen McGee?” Kate asked quietly. McGee didn’t answer at first, just kept pacing, refusing to look at his former teammate. “McGee! Answer!” She snapped using her best Gibbs voice. It worked because McGee froze and turned back to her and sighed.

“I...I was tired of everyone else getting hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Abby, Gibbs, Duck, Ziva, and...”

“…And Tony?” Kate asked softly.

McGee blushed lightly and answered, “Especially DiNozzo. It was like with you. I could never do anything to prevent it. I felt like I was letting the team down all the time. I figured this time, I could protect someone else. Ziva couldn’t get her gun up fast enough. Her reactions were still off from everything she’s been through for those three months. I managed to knock her out of the way; I just didn’t want to let the team down again.”

Kate sighed, “McGee, you have never let the team down. Well, besides pissing Gibbs off when you hid your sister’s problem.” McGee’s head snapped up and the three couldn’t help but laugh. “Me and Pacci watched from right here in MTAC, and the Direc…I mean Jenny gave us the inside scoop when she came.” McGee shook his head and looked around.

“So, is it just you three?” He asked softly thinking how quiet it really was in the building.

Pacci shook his head, “It just depends on who needs it and how they are connected to the people on the other side. For Paula? It was Kate and Paula’s old mentor. For me? It was my old partner.” Pacci looked at Jenny before he continued. “For the Director? I think it was an old friend or two.” McGee nodded and turned back to the screen that remained black. He wondered what was going on in the hospital. Was Tony ok? Did he…has he left his side at all? He wondered what would happen to Sarah if he didn’t make it back. They were the only family that each of them had. He didn’t know if his sister could make it if she was alone. But instead of dwelling on the living he turned back to the dead.

“I understand, why Kate is here and I can even see what Director Shepherd would be doing here, but I don’t understand why you are here Pacci. Not that I’m complaining or anything.” McGee rushed to explain not wanting to hurt the older man’s feelings. Did dead people even have feelings? McGee shook his head and tried to focus back on Pacci who only smiled at him.

“No worries McGee, I’m here, because I was one of the first full cases you worked with Team Gibbs. And it somehow made an impact on you, I’m touched.” Pacci grinned.

McGee smiled shyly, “I think it was one of the few times I felt like I really made a difference.”

“You’re stalling Tim.” Kate said softly, she walked up to him and grabbing his hand. “What are you so afraid of that you don’t want to go back?” She stared intently at him, watching for the tiniest thing that could tell her how to help her friend.  When he said nothing, she sighed and looked at Jenny. “I think we need to bring her in.”

McGee looked up, “Bring who in?” Before anyone could answer the MTAC doors opened and a shadow made its way down the stairs to the middle of the room. McGee stared not entirely sure on what to say, or hell, even how to speak right about now.

“Hey, Tim.” Came the soft lilting voice filled with amusement.

-

-

-

Anthony Dominic DiNozzo Jr. would admit to a lot of things. He was a god among men when it came to movies. There was no one that flirted better than him. He was a buck-eye to the bone and anything Michigan was only one step above dirt bags. There are just as many things that he wouldn’t admit to any one unless he was on the brink of death or the situation was just above hopeless and the fact that his Probie was laying in a hospital bed for the past five days refusing to wake up screamed hopeless. Tony tried to remain upbeat, but there was the little voice that never seemed to want to shut up telling him that if it came to him being happy, the universe was going to go the opposite way. The plain simple fact was that all McGee had to do was wake up and live and Tony would be happy. Hell, he’ll be ecstatic. That is just one of the things he wouldn’t admit unless he had to, that his happiness relied on the well being on McGee, uh-huh no way. He stared at the unusually pale face of Tim. Sure, the McGhost was always pale, but the blood loss and trauma of surgery seemed to turn into a wet chalky paste.

His wayward thoughts seem to have no control as his mind jumped from thought to memory and back to thought. For the first time since Abby walked in the room early yesterday morning, he found himself alone with one Timothy No Middle Name McGee. His thoughts skipped back to other things he wasn’t so ready to admit, even to himself. That he needed Gibbs in more than a Boss way. He needed the man to be the father he never had. That while he flirted with every female that was over the age of eighteen and knew how to walk, there was a certain someone that seemed to occupy his thoughts of late, even if he didn’t want him to. Tony sighed again and moved his eyes from McGee’s face to his chest. Even though there was no blood now, all Tony saw was McGee’s blood seeping through his shirt and hands. He couldn’t get that day out of his head.

_“McGee! No! Don’t you fucking dare leave me!”_ Tony shook his head at the memory and willed the tears to retreat back inside. Dammit, that was too much like giving up, and McGee doesn’t give up and neither will he. He sighed again, and grabbed Mc-Tim’s hand. He caressed it with such gentleness that he didn’t know that he possessed. He raised his eyes back to Tim’s and sighed. “Come on Tim, wake up. I-I need you to wake up. I,” he stopped to take a deep breath, “I don’t think I can live without you. I need you to wake up.” _Please._ He sobbed quietly to himself, laying his head onto the bed. Never once did he let go of McGee’s hand.

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McGee stared, “Erin?”

She smiled softly at Tim, “Long time.”

McGee laughed, “Yeah, I would say that.” He swallowed. “It’s uh; it’s good to see you.”

Erin laughed, “It’s good to see you too Tim. Though, this isn’t how I wanted to see you again.”

McGee shrugged, “I, uh, don’t really understand anything that’s going on anymore. They said I have quite fighting to wake up, but I don’t know how to fight when I don’t know how to wake myself up. I’m not making any sense am I?”

Erin laughed, “You remind me so much of when we first met. So eager to do everything right, so eager to help, Tim, you know what to do? Why not just do it?” Erin smiled at him, nothing but quiet concern on her lovely face. Her eyes, encouraging him to push himself, like that night he met her. “It’s okay Tim, we are your friends here. Nothing you say will ever take that away.

Just like that, Tim slumped into one of the chairs. His head in his hands, and elbows on his knees. He now knew too, what exactly he was doing here in this too quiet bullpen. “I’m tired and I don’t want to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I get back up.” He whispered.

Kate sat next to him and leaned forward on her knees. “It doesn’t make you a bad person for you to wish that it was Ziva instead of you Tim. You know that right? Hell, when I first got here. I raged and yelled. I kept asking why it had to be me. Why couldn’t it have been Tony, or even you McGee. Does that make you hate me?”

McGee stared at Kate like she lost her mind, “NO! Of course not! Don’t be…”

Kate raised an eyebrow at him, “So, why would you think it made you a bad person? McGee, that’s life. It hurts to face it, but it makes the pain worth it. Because when life gives you back something, that pain will have nothing compared to that happiness.”

“I…I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want to fight for nothing. What do I have to go back to? A lonely apartment and a sister who forgets about calling me half the time? They don’t need me.” Tim mumbled quietly.

“Oh, McGee, if you could only see how wrong you are.” Pacci sighed. He looked up at Jenny and Erin before glancing back to Kate. “I think one more video from home should do it.” They nodded as the screen in MTAC turned on to see Tony sitting in a room with no windows. He had a bottle of Jack next to his chair and he looked haggard.

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Tony stared at the wall. How had life come to this? How had it become so bleak? So, draining? He could barely remember a time when he smiled. Hell, he didn’t even think that his face knew how to move those muscles anymore. It had been six years to the day that his heart stopped beating. He didn’t know how he was alive right now, considering the old ticker hasn’t moved in years. Fucking hell. That was life now, fucking, and god damn hell, it fucking sucks. It took three years After for Ducky to retire and leave Palmer in his place. Three years. Palmer, himself, never saying much, too quiet in his work, to absorbed in not trying to make any more outside connections, lost himself, and his wife. Abby refused to let anyone help her in the lab After. No one was good enough and she told them quick enough. There were no more Caf-Pow marathons to show up those losers in the basement. She didn’t smile anymore and she rarely hugged anyone. That was something that Tony missed dearly. He needed those hugs, because she was the only other one to really understand the pain of not having your heart beat. Then there is Ziva. Or was Ziva. She couldn’t heal herself, After, she blamed herself to the point where she just up and left one day with no word to anyone save a note on Gibbs’ desk. _I’m sorry._ Those were her last words to everyone. And they all knew what she was apologizing for, and for the life of him, Tony couldn’t even remember if he truly blamed her for it. He couldn’t remember the good times, the bad times, or anything. He became a shell. He didn’t sleep around After. He didn’t talk or joke much either. The DiNozzo that made Gibbs’ team, slowly disappeared and this husk appeared in his place.

Sarah used to stop by for some time After, but it hurt her too much to see her brother’s family slowly break apart. She tried for years to write, but everything seemed like a mockery of nothing being good enough. Tony knows she visits the grave sometimes, when she can’t hold anything in anymore. He remembers her saying that Tim was always a willing ear to dump your problems into. Come to think of it, Tony hasn’t seen her in some months, or was it a year? Maybe he should check in her, see how she is doing? Nah, what would she need with a has been. And Gibbs? That man hasn’t stopped. His team exploded in his face, and the man was a rock. Kept on going. Ziva left, got a new girl. Ellie something or another, Tony wasn’t too sure. He may have been too busy drinking at that point. Him? Gibbs told him to find a hobby, something to channel the emotions into, but Tony liked his vices. Hell, even his movies weren’t cutting it anymore. He sold his entire collection on _eBay_ for twenty bucks. He did get a hobby though. Gibbs probably head slap him into next week, but he doesn’t head slap anyone anymore. Not since that day. Hell, Gibbs doesn’t even fight with Vance anymore. No one does. A terrorist killed his wife and Vance left the NCIS soon after her funeral. Too many deaths on his hands he said. Whatever. Life sucked.

_I’m drunk._ Tony thought as one moment of lucidness comes and goes and back to the grayness that has become his life. It didn’t used to be like this. Tony vaguely remembers green eyes and soft hands. Of a laugh that made him smile no matter what was going on. Tony glanced down at the gun in his lap and sighed. He knew it, tonight would be the night. On this day when six years turned into seven. It was too much. There wasn’t any point of it anymore. Seven years was just too much and he was too tired to remember why he had to keep fighting to wake up the next day. It was too much. The bullpen was too quiet. Tony couldn’t remember why he had to keep going. He picked up the gun and took another swig of the Daniels. He felt it burn down his throat. It was nice. The ability to feel something when everything else was numb. He looked up with the gun pointed to his head. Tears silently falling down his face, the gun nestled to his temple.

_“_ I love you, Timothy McGee.” He whispered before his finger pressed down…

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“STOP!” Tim shouted tears streaming down his face. The screen froze seconds before Tony finished pulling the trigger. “Stop, please!” Tim cried. He was up and hand pressed to the screen of Tony’s face. He felt a hand his shoulder. He looked up and met Kate’s tear stained face.

“Do you see now McGee? Do you see how important you are? You are the clue, the one that shows everyone that there is still good in the world. You show that and you live it Tim. You live it and it gives them hope and makes them want to live it too.” She wiped a tear from her face and smiled. “They need you Tim, more than you will ever know.”

Tim looked back to Jenny and Pacci who smiled sadly with their own tears coming down their face. He looked at Erin who smiled softly at him. Peace radiating from her to envelope him in a warm hug.

“There are moments in life that are too good to miss Tim. You were one of mine, but your moments, your greatest joys are still yet to pass. Don’t give them up Tim for fear of pain.” She said. She gave him one last hug and a kiss on the check before she left MTAC. Going back to wherever she stays.

“Thank you.” Tim whispered to Jenny and Pacci as he began to follow Kate out of MTAC. “I will never forget either of you.” He said.

Jenny smiled and waved. “We’ll see you again. Just not anytime soon, okay?”

Pacci laughed, “Try to keep the visits a minimum too okay? You are one tough nut to crack McGee.”

Tim laughed and shook his head as the door slid close with a quiet ‘shush’. He looked down the stairs and found Kate back in her desk staring at the screen with a frown on her face. He made his way down and settled in his desk and looked around. A warm calm descended on him and he nodded.

“So, McGee, what the hell are you doing here?” Kate asked, looking up from her desk and looking at him with a small, sad smile.

“I don’t know, but I want to go back. It’s too quiet a bullpen for me.” Tim replied and closed his eyes. He laid his head down on the desk and relaxed. “You know Kate, I think I’ll come see you the more conventional way. Keep telling secrets to my dead friend.” If she replied Tim didn’t hear her. Already, he was lost to sleep with a soft beeping sound for him to groan at in annoyance.

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Tony blinked open his eyes and looked around. Something woke him up in the first sleep he has had in days. He shook his head and tried to clear the fog from his mind. There! There was that noise again. Where the hell was it coming from? He looked around the hospital room and mentally cataloged everything. There was the beeping from Tim’s heart machine. The quiet breathing thing going up and down. Nurses in the hall going back and forth between meds. There was the quiet murmur of voices in the hall…Gibbs and Vance talking. Tony was sure. Ziva’s quiet breathing in the corner after she fell asleep with Abby using her as a pillow. Ducky and Palmer had both left for the night, after making sure they were to be alerted if there were any changes. Sarah was asleep on the other side of Tim’s bed, one of his hands inside her small ones. Her quiet puffs of breath settled into Tony’s ears. And there was the quiet groan coming from Tim…

…Tim! Tony whipped around and stared at his friend and partner. “Tim?” He asked quietly. Not wanting to wake the others in case he was hearing things in his fevered hope. There it was again. A slight groggy groan. Tony jerked when he felt Tim’s hand move from when he clasped it yet again. “NURSE! Doc! Someone get in here!” Tony yelled, waking everyone up at once and sending Gibbs and Vance into the room at the sound. “He’s waking up!” Tony said when everyone demanded an explanation.

They all turned and quieted as they watched their teammate, brother, and friend fight to open his eyes. They all held their breath as they watched light green eyes open and look at them before closing and falling into sleep once more. There were laughter and tears as Tim’s smile never once faded from his face. After the doctor confirmed that Tim was awake now, just sleeping off the medicine. All was good. He was expected to make a full recovery, depending if he followed Doctors’ orders.

“Trust me Doc, he’s going to follow them to the letter.” Sarah vowed darkly. The doctor nodded and wished them all to get some sleep and come back later. Let Tim actually rest his mind as well as his body now. With only one person allowed to stay, they all elected Tony. When he turned to ask Sarah, she just smiled. “I’m sure. I’ll see Tim tomorrow when he’s awake but drugged enough for me to get the dirty details out of him.” She winked and laughed when he coughed and refused to blush. DiNozzo’s don’t blush dammit! Gibbs shook his head and said he was bringing coffee and ordered everyone but Tony home.

Tony sat back in his chair and grabbed Tim’s hand and laced their fingers together and waited. He must have dozed off, because he jerked awake when he felt a finger caressing his face. He looked up into Tim’s green eyes and swallowed. The time was here, and Tony didn’t know what to say. ‘Thanks for not dying’ or ‘I love you’ seemed the two things that ran over and over in his mind.

“Hey McPasty, you’re awake.” Yeah, that will work too Tony groaned and was tempted to go to the wall and bash his head in. Tim grabbed his hand when he went to get up and he stilled. He waited for Tim to say something, but there was silence.

“Wa..water?” Tim finally rasped, his hand still had a death grip on Tony’s. Tony stood up and reached for the water on the table by Tim’s bed and put it against Tim’s mouth to let him sip slowly. Without realizing it, Tony turned his hand to lace their fingers together again. He stared, unsure and scared of what to do next.

“Had a weird dream.” Tim muttered as he tried to stay awake.

“Oh yeah, was it Star Trek level or Dr. Who?” Tony asked. His heart hammering inside his chest.

“Kate was there. And Jenny. And Pacci. And that was weird, cos’ I don’t really know him.” Tim continued to mumble. “But there was a bet? Or something, and Tony…”

“Tony what?” Tony asked quietly.

McGee’s eyes popped open and he struggled to sit up. “I have to get to Tony! Tony! I have to tell him.”

“I’m right here McGee. Tim! I’m here. Tell me what?” Tony said sitting on the bed and grabbing McGee’s face to shush him back under control. “I’m here Tim, I’m here.”

“I have to tell hi-you something.” Tim said quietly staring into Tony’s eyes.

“Tell me what?” Tony said leaning forward.

“I love you.” Tim whispered, hoping to hell he was awake.

Tony smiled, his face lighting up, and wiping away the haggard one that Tim was scared he never would be unable to see. “Good, because I love you too and if you ever do something like this again, I will kill you myself.” Tony laughed, leaning his forward against Tim’s.

Tim laughed, “I couldn’t see, but they showed me.”

Tony said nothing but leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Tim’s lips. “I’ve wanted to do that for ages.” He whispered.

“Me too.”

“I’m glad your back.” Tony said, pressing another kiss to Tim’s forehead. Tim melted into Tony’s touch.

“Me too, it was far too quiet in the bull pen without you.” He said drifting back off to sleep in Tony’s arms.

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Kate, Jenny, and Pacci watched from MTAC as Tony climbed into bed with McGee and hold him close. Dropping kisses like he couldn’t stop himself. “A job well done.” Jenny said turning to face the other two.

“I’m glad. They needed each other.” Pacci agreed, smiling down at the two men.

Kate nodded and wiped a tear off her face, “I just hope no one else needs us any time soon. I could use a break.” Jenny laughed.

“Yeah right, I think it’s time we shut down the bull pen. It’ll be there when someone else needs it.” She said turning to leave with the other two following her. Kate looked back as she went to turn off the light. The screen was frozen on Tony cuddling to McGee, both looking far more relaxed than she ever seen either men. She smiled, “See you around, McGee.” She whispered as she flicked the light off and left the two sleeping men to their slumbers. She looked down at the stairs. A quiet bullpen, she thought, it’s always the quiet bullpen.


End file.
